What did you have for breakfast?

I had one can (5) of pillsbury grands cinnamon rolls. When doing the math that comes out to:

55 grams of fat
265 grams of carbs
25 grams of protein

for a grand total of 1650 calories.

and by the time I got to work, I was hungry again.

I am a fat slob. (by fat i mean sexy and by slob i mean beast)

"Tis not a man, Tis a remorseless eating machine!" ~ Sea Captain - The Simpsons.

To the guy in the gym locker room:

Dear Sir,

I encountered you in the locker room of the gym we both are members of over the weekend. Due to your behaviour, I feel it necessary to inform you of the rules of Men's Locker Room Etiquette.

First off, just because you are in a locker room and showering occurs, you ARE NOT required to walk around completely naked all the time. Especially in high traffic areas. This offense was even more egregious because you are about 50 years old, only about 5 and a half feet tall, and covered in very nappy hair. It was only after first deciding that you were not, in fact, an ewok that i realized how horrid the situation was. Having to press myself against the wall and inch sideways so as not to come in contact with your nude body while getting to my locker was a major inconvenience.

Secondly, just becuase we go to the same gym, and happened to be there at the same time one day, does not mean I want to be your friend. There is no reason for you to come up and try to talk to me. Particularly not while naked. I don't care that your bum knee was acting up today, and there is no reason for you to try to draw any attention to an area below the waist while not wearing pants.

Lastly, even if you are naked and trying to make friends with strangers, wiping your genetalia with your bare hand immediately before extending that hand for a hand shake is not the way to win people over. I hope you were able to fully appreciate the look of utter disgust and disdain i gave you while ignoring your friendly gesture.

I ask you immediately cease and desist with all such actions. Otherwise, I will be forced to very openly and loudy mock and ridicule you infront of many strangers until you must remain at home in your pool of shame.

And now back to your regularly scheduled reality....

I guess I will talk about my real life for a change. i know the absurd is more humorous and that is what keeps people coming back (who am I kidding? no one reads this.) but i don't feel like letting you inside my head today.

My work is still just plodding along. I do lots of stuff over and over again and never seem to make any real breakthroughs. I am getting the ever increasing sense of dread that accompanies the realization that you are going to have to drop your project and start over on a new one, having wasted two years of work. If that happens I might just snap. I don't want to still be here when i'm 28.

I've actually tried to make some changes in my life and see if that helps my overall happiness and productivity. we'll see. right now some of the changes have just made me more tired. On the bright side, i'm well on the way to digging myself out of the financial hole i have been stuck in for the last several years. There is nothing quite like the feeling of knowing that you don't owe your soul to others and everything you have is yours, free and clear.

ok, enough rambling, i'm going to get back to work now.

Stuck in a rut...

It's the same thing every weekend:

sit around a drink alot.
go get a hooker.
find out the hooker is a guy.
beat the hooker to death in a blind rage.
dispose of the body.
call in sick on monday so you can go inform everyone concerned what your alibi is.

i wish something new and different would happen in my life, this vicious cycle is getting pretty boring.

Yummm, Girl Scout.....

Cookies.

I love to be seduced by the most precious of words: "Would you like to buy some cookies?".

I just can't resist. Purchasing cases of glutonously wonderful cookies and sitting on the couch eating them for days while thinking of the fond memories you have of the really hot 18 year old sister that was forced to escort the unfortunate looking 9 year old to your door to sell you the cookies.

Peace on earth and goodwill to all....oh and cookies. but only the coconut ones for everyone else, cause they suck. the good ones are all for me.

Perfection....

I went and saw A Very Long Engagement last night. A very good movie that reminded me what the qualities of a perfect woman are.

1) Don't speak english: I don't have to prentend like i know what she is talking about and no matter what she says I can reply with "why yes honey, you may pleasure me now, thanks for asking". Also, I can program INS into the speed dial and threaten to call any time she refuses any directive.

2)Gimpy: In the movie the girl had polio, but i'd settle for any other hobbling disease or birth defect. This affords you the ability to beat her as much as you want and always blame the black eye, concussion, or chipped tooth on falling because she doesn't walk so well on her own.

3)An orphan of very rich parents. She has tons of money but you have no inlaws to answer to.

4)lives out in the country, where laws don't always apply.

5)No friends. don't want anyone else looking out for her "best interest"

Yeah, those are the qualities of a good woman. I think i'm going to head down to the border and see if I can fish me one out of the river before the Federales keel haul her or gun her down on the far bank. Bless you Texas with your wide open poorly patroled borders to third-world country.

don't be fooled.....

I am a gradstudent. and by gradstudent i mean cheap.

so i was in the grocery store the other day and decided that i wanted some cereal to eat for breakfast. after surveying the vast array of choices i thought i'd go old school for a while and get a box of fruit loops. A cherished childhood memory of exotic birds telling me i should injest simple shapes flavored to almost taste like fruit (and coated in a pound of sugar).

But, as i was working my way back through the soccer moms down the isle toward the checkout i noticed that the store brand offered "fruity loopy O's" in twice the quantity at half the price. I wavered for just a second and thought to myself. "hey, that's a good deal, how bad could anyone screw up fruit loops?"

Oh good God!

this morning my delicate pallet was lambasted with the awfulness of this imposter cereal. the neon caustic mutating colors come right off in milk and stain your fingers, the bowl, and the spoon. They aren't made with sugar, and not a good substitute like nutrisweet or splenda, probably something like lard, or lye. (hey they both have carbons in them, how much different could they taste) or they got lazy and didn't purify their sucrose leaving me to taste the recemic torture that is the scrumptious L- form and the terribly nasty R-form. they were soggy, smelt bad, and not even filling. and what is worse....i still have a metric ton of them left. someone please save me, please.

What this is really all about.....

I found out about this site from this one. And I realized something. The reason I have been having trouble coming up with things to write is that i have been trying to make sense with this thing (at least a little). And i just need to let it flow. Stream of conciousness like. I'd say that up to this point I had been a little anal retentive, but this has more to do with writing my thoughts and words and thoughts never come out of my anus so that term doesn't seem to fit. anyways, from here on out the gloves are off and i might just actually start writing some of the crazy shit that wanders through my head. Yep, crazy ideas wandering like young boys do in the lingerie department at department stores. Pretending to be bewildered and lost and looking for their mommy, but actually just trying to see what women's underwear looks like because society has moved to tennis shoes as the standard footwear for young men instead of those cool shiny black shoes like back in the day you could buff up real good and use to look up girls skirts.

What's the use?

Why do I have fingernails? Honestly? Are they the vestigial remnants of some awesome Velociraptor-esque claws? Did they elvolve to serve as protection for the tactile recptor/fine gripping apendages that are my fingertips? Either way, they suck. They are a pain to keep short, and the only time I ever even pay them any mind is when one gets ripped back and i jump around screaming like a school girl till i can find a power rangers band-aid to put on it.

How can i engineer a selective pressure to get those claws back? I think that right now it would be much more useful having razor sharp shredding devices attached to my hands than what i've currently got.