My Summer Vacation....

This summer I am interning. Because of this I will actually be doing something closely resembling work during the day more often than I have been of late. My postings may be less frequent, but also may contain stories of one fool single handedly bringing down and entire corporation. We'll see.

Anyways, back to curing cancer or something.

You think you got skillz?

CNN reported today that drivers in the northeast are the dumbest. This I will agree with, but they probably aren't the worst. Texas drivers are apparently rewarded for bad driving, I have put together a score card so that you can see how your driving compares and see what you would score if you were in Houston.

Texas Driving Scorecard

You can't get rid of me that easy....

Last thursday i had my anual(ish) progress review. I had to stand up and tell my committee that I have been working really hard and that I am a valuable member of this department.

guess what.....they bought it. Suckers.

Truth is, i spend most of my time on here trying to think of something to write. But, I have found that since i have started sharing my imagination with you fuckers, all you do is use your brain leaching powers to suck every last drop of inspiration out of me. None of you are getting a christmas card this year.

Some good did come out of this though. i used to have an imaginary friend. His name was Aloisius Funderburque Esquire III. I hated him. He was a rather pretentious prick. All he would do is talk about how he was going to grow up and be a space cowboy. And he would tell me that if I didn't play with him, his father was a gangster of love and would seduce my mother and she would give birth to a real version of him and not just the imaginary one i had to deal with. I would slave away doing chores all day while he delegated everything he had to do to a cambodian refugee his parents bought off and INS official. All she would do is work because they threatened to deport her to Laos if she didn't. They didn't even have to feed her. One of the benefits of having a south eastern asian slave is that they grow up with nothing, so letting them loose in the alley out back with a butter knife is more than enough for her to capture rats and dumpster dive to sustain herself. But since ya'll stole my imagination, he died. I hope it was a slow and painful death. And i hope his cambodian refugee ate him to survive.

Thoughts for the day....

Tree hugging hippie: "You should not eat meat, it's bad."
Me: "But, I have to eat something that used to be alive. All the flavor is in the soul."

Me: "I heard in the house of wax movie, Paris Hilton takes an arrow to the head and you can see skull shattering brain splatter and everything. I kind of want to see it just for that."
Friend: "Paris Hilton? Brain Splatter? That's not realistic."

Don't think, just act...

Sometimes, in life, you are presented with a choice. That choice will have effects down the road; for good, for bad, or maybe even some of both. The moment comes when you have to make that choice and even if you know it is coming, you cannot be prepared for it.

From the outside it may seem like a binary event. One or zero, all or nothing, yes or no. But if you really understand the choice you are making, you realize that there are so many more dimensions than that. Saying yes for the wrong reason could be a terrible thing, and saying no just because you are afraid to say yes is just as bad.

The option for postponement is there. You can say "not now" and then have the option of saying yes at a later date, but it won't be the same. Knowing yourself, and trusting your feeling and going for it all and saying yes right up front means so much more than waiting yourself out till you feel safe and then saying yes.

The choices that truly define who we are, are the ones where the answer isn't clear when the choice is made. You may be able to re-evaluate a choice in hind sight and congratulate yourself on a good decision, but the truth is, at the time you said yes or no, you had no idea what you were doing for sure. You knew the options, were aware of the ramifications, and had a gut feeling. There was no way to think it through, you had to take a risk. And, that risk defines you just as much as the consequences of the choice that may not be felt for long long time.

I am who I am because of the risks I have taken. Some of them have been good, some have been bad. But, I wouldn't take them back. Would you relive a terrible moment of your life knowing that if you did things differently you might be able to avoid some pain or difficulty but that you would never become the person you are right now? I am the sum of every pat on the back and every punch in the stomach I have ever received. I know of joys that I will never be able to put into words, and deep inside me there are buried pains that should never again see the light of day.

To know me is the know how the consequences of my choices have effected my life. But to understand me is to know the motivation behind those choices.

Zzzzzzzzzzzz.....

I have gotten a ton of sleep this week, so I am freakin wide awake. And, of course, by "a ton of" I mean "virtually no" and by "wide awake" I mean "totally exhausted". I am going to glutton myself with sloth (2 at once, 5 to go) tonight and hope that my faculties are returned to me by the gods of slumber and rest over night.

All you base are belong to us....

One day I hope to take over the world by claiming it all in the name of Spain, then leading a military coup to overthrow the government of Spain. I will then gift the world to myself and give Spain back to it's people....or an oppressive dictatorship...or maybe just a powerless monarchy...whichever they are under now.

That doesn't matter, what is important is that I will then own the world. I have already written my first "State of the World" address.

"In order to be the best world we can be we need to strive for perfection. In order to do that we will start by getting rid of countries that are useless wastes of space and a drain on the rest of the world. I will now read a list of these countries in alphabetical order:

France

That is all. Note, Canadia is on probation."

All the people will love me.

Know thy self...

them: "is that person smarter than you?"

me: "in math and engineering, yes. in biology and saturday morning cartoons, no."

Too early to think right...

You know what I like about chicks? They aren't dudes.

On a more profound note: getting up way early to get into work and get extra stuff done never works. I just sit at my desk lamenting how tired I am and struggle to think straight until it is about the time I would have rolled in anyways.

On an unrelated note: Amazing doesn't begin to describe it.

The moral of the story: Don't know anyone, or else someone might sit on your futon. (this was distilled from one of those cosmic karma six degrees of separation kind of moments)

Lots of guys fake modesty so that people will like them, i prefer to fake an enormous self centered ego so that people will leave me alone.

They will let anyone cross the border these days...

It's for sure now. Everything is booked and paid for and today I got my passport in the mail. I am off to Europe this summer. For those of you who were planning on traveling abroad, i'd recommend going in the next couple of months because if you think they hate americans now...wait till i get back.

you guys remember that guy that got caned in singapore back in 95? I am hoping I got off that easy after the international incident I am anticipating. I'm going to eastern europe and taking 3 dollars american, so after my one week vacation i'll send postcards with the change. I love weak former solviet currency.

Anyone know how to say "Your mom still owes me change for my nickel." in Slovak?

Sevens...

nothing i love more than a game seven. even more interesting when you've got something riding on it. anyone wanna offer me some action?

Numerical Marvel...

Today is 5-5-5. This is great since i failed to notice that a couple months ago it was 3-4-5. I won't be this excited again till 7-6-5.

Gotta love my older sis....

here is the text message conversation i had with my sister (who just had a baby) today while i was supposed to be paying attention to more important things:

Sis: You got plans for this weekend?

Me: Hookers and Blow.

Sis: Dangerous.

Me: Not really, I'm a pro.

Sis: I'm a little jealous.

Me: Why? Is crack on the list of foods to avoid while breast feeding?

Sis: let me check...

Sis: No!!!!

Me: Party on then, I'm sure your husband knows a guy.

Sis: He is boring

Me: He just needs to hook you up.

Only members of my family can discuss the joys of a hard core drugs while being a new parent. We also later discussed how her new cranky daughter already wants her dead. My neice is the best!