I am a dirty boy...

I'm lazy.

when i woke up this morning i just picked the jeans i had been wearing yesterday up off the floor and put them on along with a tshirt and went to work. many hours later I realized that while eating gellato for dessert last night, i managed to spill some down the inside of my thigh. There is now a stain there. I hope I don't come across a dog or something that smells it and starts licking my leg. That would be awkward because then I'd feel like I owed him dinner and a movie.

Stay away from the crazies!

I'd hate to date a crazy person. Mostly because my repetoir of suave moves would be rendered useless against the cerebral dishelvement in which my prey would live.

Case in point: After about a month of dating someone it is usually good to say "tell me something about you I don't know". When it is my turn I usually have some scripted tripe about crying during Steel Magnolias or enjoying reading The Joy Luck Club in highschool so that I appear sensitive and understanding. I would expect to hear something endearing like "I have a teddy bear I still sleep with" or "I used to have a crush on Zach Morris". But with a crazy she would fire back with something like "Sometimes my rectum bleeds uncontrollably" or "I've always wanted to strangle someone while they slept". The crazy would then think that you shared and intimate moment and would want to be closer to you, and I would just want to change my name to Javier Sanchez and live out the rest of my life as a file clerk safely tucked away in the anonymity of rural Wisconsin.

Yeah, it would suck to be stuck with a crazy and all their personalities and pyschotropic drugs and alcoholism. But really, who am I kidding? I should be happy with what I can get. My only pick up line is "Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform?".

What's in a name?

I work with a guy named Hai (pronounced Hi). I have never spoken a word to him, but I like him. This is because his name rectifies the calamity that has been plaguing my life. When someone approaches I agonize over whether to greet them with an informal salutation or by name. For this individual it is one in the same.

I will never hire anyone in the future unless their name is:

hai
howdi
wassup
howsitgoin
guh-mornin
bobert

You can keep your money, if I can have your baby...

GET IN MY BELLY!

MMMM, babies, the other white meat. This 10 pound bundle of plump juicy goodness is my niece (I call her "Bite-Size"). She appears less than impressed with the fact that I could devour her and still have room for dessert.

I have a socio-economic plan to rid the world of hunger and poverty that involves eating babies, but I'll save that for a later post if there is interest in hearing it. For now, marvel in the fact that I stood in public and tried to fit a baby in my mouth and the child's mother tried to stop me....not to save the baby....but so that she could find her camera.

And they done said I's a bad talker...

Would you like to come with? I'm going to. I've wanted to go since. It's located across from.

I like my prepositional phrases to have objects and not end a sentence, but that's just me. You offenders know who you are and where you come from. (I'm sorry: From where you come.).

All quiet on the southern front....

Nothing new to report. Life progresses as it always has. I am still awesome, several things are going to great for me. I will one day rule you all.

I celebrated America's Birthday by eating italian take-out, watching a pyrotechnic display that used a technology invented by the chinese, then went out to IHOP and ate french toast. I bleed red, white, and blue.

In one month I leave for europe. Since booking this trip, the value of the US dollar has risen almost 13%. At first i thought i was going to have to skip meals and scrape by to afford this trip, but now I am upgrading to a suite and trying to figure out how I am going to eat enough to spend the rest of my travel allowance. (the government won't pay for booze, or else it would be easy).

At lunch today I was informed that someone saw a shirt that read "I don't need a tractor to pull hoes". You can't argue with poetry that pure.

I think I will hit the gym tonight during wait periods in my experiments, seeing as how I can no longer run 3 miles without feeling dead for the rest of the day. I think i am getting a cold too, and I only seem to get sick when I am in poor physical shape. I expect the extra energy boost I will see will drive everyone crazy with my spasticness.