Engineering at its Finest

this is satire, it didn't really happen. It is based on hearing several friends bitch about their jobs in engineering firms. You'll either get it or you won't.

Last week I was given a pen by an engineering firm that works on parts and tools for oil wells. I don't want to slander the name of this firm, so i'll make up a name that is very divergent so that no one will ever be able to guess what company I am talking about. I'll go with: shloomburjay.

Anyways, I was presented this pen in a very nice felt case that not only screamed elegance, but also hid the majority of the device so that I could make no judgement about the pen till after the company represented had departed.

After a conversation that ammounted to: "we have delivered you a tool, it is the best tool because we say so and can mathematically prove that, but won't because you are too stupid to understand. I will now leave you to use your tool as you please and you can call this person who had nothing to do with the design or testing of the tool if you have any problems. Please do not contact me, as I am only the sales person and can spout all kinds of neat propaganda about our tool but am completely useless when it comes to real discussion about its use and function." The representative then walked briskly away before I could ask any questions or check to see that the pen was actually what i had ordered or needed.

I then take out the pen and look at it. Everything seems to be there, it is the proper shape and size, has a nice grip, a clip to keep it on my shirt pocket and even a nifty little company monogram to remind me who I got it from. But then I took a closer look. This is the kind of pen you turn and the writing tip emerges from the end of pen. A functional design, but not as convenient as the simple click. however, with fewer parts and the absense of a spring it is probably more reliable so i'll let that one slide. The turning of the pen to expose the tip is not smooth however, there is a hitch to it and this bothers me. Also, the writing tip itself is gold, and the rest of the metal on the pen is silver. I was concerned so I immediately submitted a Request Of Non-compliance (ron). I was however over ruled since this was written off as a cosmetic flaw that would not affect the function. They are an engineering firm after all, and they were within one standard deviation of perfection which makes all flaws stastically irrelevant to them.

I am not pleased at this point, but not too terribly disgruntled, and all i wanted was to be able to fill out one those entry forms to win a free burrito at one of my favorite restaraunts and i was not going to let cosmetic defects stand between me and the sweet sweet nourishing joy of marinated meat, rice, cheese, and sour cream contained within a convenient edible wrap. So I decide I will use the pen. I twist the pen, put the tip to a sheet of paper and attempt to draw a line.....nothing. I try again....nothing. I call the contact number i was given for the tech support for the pen. I talk to an old weathered man who gave me the following sagely advice: "Did you try shaking the pen? Ok, now try licking the tip. That didn't work either? Try shaking it again." After numerous shakings of increasing force failed to remedy the situation i was told that they could send out a field rep to take a look for only 155 dollars an hour. When I balked at this I was assured that the pen was perfectly functional and that I shouldn't even think of using another pen designed by company with a proven reputation, the problem must be oporator error. I was informed that even though it does not say so in any of the documentation i recieved, this pen was only designed to work when perfectly perpendicular to paper and that tilting it in any way would completely abolish all function. The tech guy also said that he was aware that no one held a pen perfectly perpendicular to paper when writing, but that made the math easier for the designers so they made that assumption and told me that i should invest in their three day training class on how to hold a schlumberger (ooops....i mean shloomburjay) pen properly (only 15,000 dollars).

So at this point i am livid and demand to speak to a sustaining engineer or designer. After not being able to reach the engineer for days due to the fact that this company only employs one and then sends them off to meetings, classes, field visits, and chili cookoffs 75% of the time, i finally got a call back. I was told that the pen was indeed functional and had passed all testing (on the fifth time, after detonating twice, collapsing once, and poking someone's eye out once). The problem must have been with the third party paper. They said that they were aware that the paper made by 3M that i was using had incompatability issues and that they would be able to prove that too me, but that 3M was unwilling to share the specs of their paper (flat and white was not good enough for them). So ultimately i was told to keep the pen because it works, but the problem must be someone elses fault even though they can't prove it. In the mean time they would be happy to charge me to redesign a new pen to replace my free pen at only 55 dollars an hour plus materials, 80 hour minimum. I said no thanks and used a pen given to me buy a guy at a biotech vendor fair working for a cell biology company.

what is the moral here? engineers can tell you exactly how something is made down to the most excrutiating detail but not why something works or it doesn't. Biologist mix stuff that seems to work together and get something functional, they have no idea how or why, but it works and it gets the job done.

At this point you are either hunched over reading these last few lines through the tears streaming down your face from laughing so hard, in which case you are an engineer for a company like this. Or you have no idea what this random rant was about and want me to compenate you for the time you lost out of your life by reading this, in which case you are everyone else.

I'm either very glad you enjoyed it, or very sorry for wasting your time,

~blair